don't test me rudolph cos i'll jizz on ya nose
bring me porn santa cos you know how it goes
i gotta put down my penthouse and write out my wish list
if all goes to plan, this will be a white christmas
all is quiet and calm, on christmas eve
perfect conditions to blow potential kids all over my sleeve
no presents last year, that shit was shocking
couldn't find my rag so blew a load in my stocking
fuck all my friends, i'm the only one worthy of presents
christmas doesn't mean that i give a fuck about peasents
i'm gonna walk around tugging to spread my xmas cheer
merry christmas folks and have a happy new year
jack d, gettin festive tossin out christmas whacker
win everytime when i pull my own christmas cracker
christmas time, so many festive loads i'll blow
gettin all cheery, tuggin underneath the misletoe

it's nearly midnight and i'm watching the clock
wrote my letter to santa on an old jizz sock
jacked off in a cup, to take down to the sperm bank
so sorry kris kringle, thats not milk that you drank
checked the stocking this year, the presents were wack
and santa's not the only one holding a bulging red sack
last year i got porn and this year i got coal
so time to walk around xmas day just polishing pole
i'll be like the carol singers that come to your door
cept i'll be beating the meat, and blow a load on ya floor
the only present i wanted this year was an extra inch
so fuck it next year i'll get down just like the fuckin grinch
another year down and what a year that i've had
masty every five minutes, so how could it be bad
merry xmas from jack d and the masty monarchy
and rest in peace my homey notorious T.U.G